Or “how I liveblogged the debate and lived to tell about it.”
[All quotes are viciously distorted paraphrased].
Starting – Kerry keeps saying how he’ll do much better on homeland security. As I recall, he promised to do this a while back by shitcanning the world’s hardest Attorney General, John Ashcroft, and by getting rid of the PATRIOT Act, which allows our intelligence services to exchange information with our law enforcement agents. Kerry’s plan to make America safer, near as I can tell, is like curing brain cancer by skipping Chemo. Meanwhile, Bush has this “you can bite the wax tadpole, pal” look on his face.
Bush says he’ll make America safer, by making America safer. Promises to kick some ass, take names, basically. [Aside: Funny expression, that. Kicking ass, taking names. As distinct from kicking ass and chewing gum, kicking ass big time, and so forth. Wonder what’s so special about taking someone’s name after you kick their ass. Personally, I wouldn’t want to know. It would only make me feel guilty. So I’d rather kick ass, and chew gum or something.]
Now Kerry. Says, “yeah, it’s good to kill the terrorists, but we also have to be smart.” Oooh, Bush is a dummy joke. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ribs hurt. Very good. Okay, now we’re into a “Iraq is a distraction from Osama.” Okay, I’ll buy that. But really, truthfully, Bush ain’t that smart. How long you figure he can keep concentration staring at a greasy spot on a hill in Afghanistan. Jeez, after two years, that would even strain one of those madrassa students, and they study with their noses to the ground for 8 years. Now Kerry says Osama bin Laden is the goal. Kinda ignores the whole Mohammad Farrah Aidid lesson we were taught (painfully) in Somalia, but WTF. It’s a new decade, right?
Ooh, now Kerry is saying the UN had Saddam trapped in Iraq. That’s like being trapped in a wet grocery bag. He keeps saying that we’ve borne 90% of the casualties and 90% of the cost in Iraq. Um, okay, so I guess this is a variation on the JFK speech – “we will bear any burden (so long as it’s not too heavy), pay any price (“as long as it’s pretty cheap”), etc.
Back to Bush. Uses Kerry’s words in the Iraq war debate against him. Given the whole “Neo-Con” slander campaign by the left, the idea that this cabal of Jews led the U.S. into a war to benefit Israel, I guess you could call Bush’s tactic “Jew-Jitsu.” Bush then gets into the idea that the Iraqis may be ready to fight for their own freedom. I dunno ’bout that…
Kerry – “Iraq was not even close to the center of the war on terror until Bush invaded it.”
I dunno – it was halfway between Iran and Egypt, Saudi and Syria, Afghanistan/Pakistan and Sudan… Kerry either hasn’t a clue about Iraq’s geographic importance, or he is a liar.
Bush responds – Kerry voted for it. Now he’s against it. “I don’t see how Senator Kerry could lead this country like this…” Kerry – “I am steadfast. I will succeed. I AM IRONMANNNNNNNNN….
Oops, sorry, channeling Black Sabbath there…
Kerry – on homeland security. This should be good. “I’d do lot’s of things.” What kind of a message does it send to send money to Iraq, when we aren’t putting more cops, firefighters, port inspectors, etc. on the streets. Tax cuts benefit the wealthy but hurt homeland security.
Oooh, good one. So I’m the unpatriotic fucker because I got a $1000 tax break last year. Nice.
Bush on Homeland Security – best way to protect the Homeland is to kick ass and chew gum. Whooooo! Er, I mean “to stay on the offense.” But it means the same thing.
Kerry attacks FBI. Okay, fair dinkum. Elsewhere, J. Edgar Hoover’s ghost orders disclosure of rumors that Hillary Clinton wears dresses in secret, while traipsing around her house with a male whore.
Bush responds – it’s hard work to secure the homeland. “I’ll tell the American people this. You’d better have a president who chases down these terrorists and brings them to justice, before they can hurt us again.” “Artificial deadlines won’t work. You can’t say ‘do it in six months’ and expect to win the war on terror.” Free Iraq is very important here.
Kerry: “I support our troops. But help is on the way.” In other words, “you are getting your ass kicked. You need a ‘Nam vet to help you out.” Then goes on about two troops who begged him, “we need your help over there.”
Really? What were their names, Senator?
Bush: “My opponent says “help is on the way” – but what kind of a message does that send, when you say “wrong war, wrong place, wrong time.” Mentions the “I voted for the $87 billion, before I voted against it gaff.
Kerry: Now on second mention of the ‘Nam. I’m now on my second shot of Wild Turkey. Man, this shot every time he mention’s the ‘Nam could get tough.
Bush: Interesting tack – saying that the middle eastern countries are training up the Iraqi government. Jordan is training police, as is UAE. Eeek. What, the new government need to bone up on its torture techniques and official Jew-hatred? Not sure I’d highlight this as part of the Axis of the Willing.
Kerry says his criticism is the heart of leadership. President is a dummy and went to a crummy prep school, and besides, all of our so-called allies are basically pussies. I won’t call Bush a liar, but he wasn’t truthful. There wasn’t any nuke material. He didn’t go through the full UN process, cutting it off prematurely (after only 12 years) rushing to war. Kerry cites Reagan. Reagan rolls over in grave – that would explain this week’s earthquakes in Cali.
Now a quick break.
You are the Chariot card. The Chariot has the
energy to succeed. Their ambition and drive
leads them into competition, and they often
come out the victor. The fast-paced energy of
the chariot is met with the ability to control
and lead. The Charioteer’s leadership is not
authoritarian but rather an attempt to bring
their team to victory. The Charioteer can be
obedient to those who have proven themselves in
a position of leadership. Physical prowess and
activity are important to the meaning of this
card. Travel is found here as a journey of
personal growth. Moving from one point to
another in attempt to find a better place may
be taken both literally and as a metaphor for
the inner self. Image from: Dorothy Simpson
Which Tarot Card Are You?
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Continuing – Bush: Kerry – you keep changing your positions. [I’m dying for a good one-liner here… come on… come on… ] Not there – “when I made my decision to go to war, I looked at the same information that He looked at to vote for me to go to war.”
Kerry: “I have one consistent position. Saddam Hussein was a threat, there was a right way and a wrong way to disarm him, and the president chose the wrong way. [Aided by Kerry’s vote, but who’s counting?]
Bush: You can’t change positions in this war on terra and expect to win.
Oh, Jeebus. Kerry: “I will never let those troops down.” [Well, that is, unless I get a chance to screw them in the ass on national TV to advance my political career, in which case it’s all off.]
Bush: Uh-oh, Bush has run out of talking points.
Kerry: “If you break it, you gotta fix it. You broke it. You did the wrong thing. Now you gotta fix it.”
[Conflating mistake, with “wrong,” i.e. conscious choice to do the wrong thing. Kinda fits with his “I’m right and you’re evil” general line of argument.”
Kerry: “I’ll draw the troops down in 6 months.”
[Giving the Baathists a timeline for how long they will have to hang on. Nicely done. If Bush is smart, he’ll smack this one out of the park with something like “we will leave when we are good and ready… and I don’t know how you can be commander in chief when you announce, in the middle of a war, that you are leaving in six months whether or not you have won yet.” Come on, Dubya…]
Bush: We’re training a lot of Iraqis to do the job. It’s hard work. Dings Kerry for calling Iraqi PM “a puppet.”
Oh, screw it. I can’t take this any more. Kerry is going on about how Osama is completely unrelated to Hussein. Funny, Bernard Lewis and Hussein’s intel service might disagree. But oh nevermind. I’ve had it. ESPN it is.