You know, I’ve come over to Michael Moore’s way of thinking, at least for five minutes or so. I’ve concluded:
1. Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks to get us into a war with Afghanistan to profit Halliburton when it built the big natural gas pipeline for UnoCal.
– Of course the fact that UnoCal dropped out of the pipeline bidding in 1998, and some European company (the Chirac family’s Total Fina Elf?) seemed to have won the bid at the time of the attack is irrelevant. I’ll believe these facts because they match up with my view of Bush, as a special-ed version of Satan.
2. Bush unjustly attacked Afghanistan. What’d they ever do to us? I think he did it just to kill innocent civilians.
3. The poor and minorities bear the brunt of this war. The overwhelmingly white special forces units and the pictures of the casualties (a seemingly representative mix) of Americans is irrelevant, as is my own experience in the largely middle-class military.) I’m sure that Bushwa is understating the number of casualties, and probably having pictures of minority casualties airbrushed so that they look white.
4. The whole war is about Prescott Bush helping the Nazis. Or Dick Cheney benefitting the irredentist Freemasons. Or Condoleeza Rice attempting to revive the Knights Templar. Or (fill in whacked-out conspiracy theory right here.) And by God, if you tell me different, it proves you are a rabid right wing shill for the Republican Party, you cheap whore.
5. The war on Iraq was thoroughly unnecessary. Everybody knew Iraq had no WMDs (except for Bill Clinton, Al Gore, the UN, our NATO allies, Mossad, and Iran. But what do they know?). Moreover, Iraq never posed a threat to anybody. (Except Iran, Kuwait, the Kurds, Iraqis, Bush 41, and according to Putin, Saddam planned a bunch of terrorist attacks in the U.S., to kill lots of U.S. citizens. But that’s irrelevant. Don’t look behind the curtain, no, no, not behind the curtain…)
6. Brown people aren’t capable of democracy, and who cares if they were getting fed into industrial strength plastic shredders.
7. Bush hates Brown people because he’s a stupid racist. (Please ignore the 98th percentile SAT score and his unprecedented efforts to bring freedom to brown people, and stop the aids epidemic in Africa among black people. I assure you, it’s a ruse. He’s an evil genius, really.)
8. The security levels promulgated by Homeland Security are a fraud, set up to scare you and get you to vote Bush. The government hasn’t caught any terrorists, except poor li’l Johnny Walker Lindh. (Please ignore the 170 convictions the government has won against terrorists thus far, since 9/11. Those are inconvenient facts, so they must surely be untrue.)
9. I’m the bravest man alive for speaking truth to power here. John Ashcroft has outlawed dissent in America. In fact, I’m shocked that the SS squads from FEMA aren’t here arresting me right now. Oh wait a minute, there’s a banging on my front door. I’m sure it’s asscraft himself come to arrest me. Either that, or the pizza guy.
10. I’m not really hungry, but are you gonna eat that slice? Could I have it?
11. Capitalism sucks. It’s the most corrupt, evil, oppressive system ever. It’s rotten and needs to be jettisoned. I’m a friend of the common man, and I hate wealthy rich rotten rat bastards. Money corrupts. Rich people are dogshit. Now can you pay me a lot of money for having written that? No, really. I want $10 million for having written that. It’s in the contract.
See? It’s easy to think like Mike Moore. All you have to do is throw logic in the bin, accuse anyone who disagrees with you of complicity in unspeakable evil, and spout populist slogans as you rake in the dough and become a bloated, swinish plutocrat yourself. Nothin’ to it, really.
Nothin’ to it.