How To Enjoy Troy

  1. Have absolutely no knowledge of The Iliad, Homer, or Greek Mythology beyond reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess.
  2. Yell “Hector SMASH!” at the screen every time Eric Bana comes on.
  3. Mentally calculate the gallons of body oil used on the male actors for all the scenes of half-naked manly-chested men washing, or fighting, or boinking, or some combination thereof.
  4. Hum Madonna’s Vogue every time Achilles strikes a pose with his sword, which would be approximately once per scene he’s in.
  5. Every time Orlando Bloom appears, yell the condom slogan “Trojan MAAAAN!”
  6. Mentally calculate the number of tubes of waterproof mascara that they used on the women in the film, who do nothing but cry, cry, cry, boink, and cry (sometimes while boinking, or after, which might explain Paris’ lack of self-esteem.)
  7. Daydream about how much better the film would be if it were called The Odyssey and dealt exclusively with Sean Bean, who can actually act.
  8. Try not to picture how much better the film would be if ANYONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD HAD BEEN CAST AS ACHILLES.
  9. Studiously ignore the fact that Achilles, a Greek warrior, seems to be very familiar with Nietzsche and suffering from post-modern ennui.
  10. Pray to Apollo, the Sun God, and ask for that 2 hours and 45 minutes of your life back.


  1. Patrick

    I gotta admit, I didn’t think a whole lot of it either. I loved the cinematography (probably spelt that wrong, but it’s late….ya know?). But as for the story, when did big tough Greek warriors, the biggest baddest mo fo’s in the known world, become sooky little snags?
    Achilles looked more like a little girl than a big tough warrior.