Quit it. No, really, quit it!

There are many things that make me cranky, and many people who need to be told to shut up. We will cover all of them in time, but for the moment my sights are set on the annoying client. I seriously need to send a message, which is as follows:
Quit harassing the secretary/receptionist/hapless minion. Seriously. No, seriously.
At the law firm where I work, which will be known for blogging purposes as Drunk Fiesty & Associates, I am fortunate in that I find Mr Drunk, Ms Fiesty and the Passive-Aggressive Minion fairly easy to work with. The clients, on the other hand…
For example: two clients were cranky about a document we produced. We will call them Bitchfeatures (TM Mr Drunk) and Panda for the sake of anonymity. Seeing as Mr Drunk was out of the office, they decided to take it out on myself and the hapless Passive-Agressive Minion. I can understand that they were stressed and upset, don’t get me wrong. However, it’s not the best way to ensure that we will make every effort to solve your problem a)promptly, b)to the best of our ability, or c)at all. Bitchfeatures is all, this sucks, why does it say this, this is wrong, and you are a moron for not noticing, even though you are only a secretary, not that it is your fault, but it totally is. So I was all, sorry, dude, just note on this copy of the document what you want altered/queried, we will get on to that, and I would very much like to punch you both in the head, but since I am too professional/fond of employment I will refrain from doing so and settle for glaring daggers at you. (You know that was just subtext, right?)
I am making a serious plea here. If you go to a lawyer/accountant/any professional who has a secretary, and you are cranky about whatever said professional has done/neglected to do, leave the goddamn secretary/receptionist/hapless minion out of it. We cannot hold a gun to our boss’s head and make him return phone calls. Nor are we solely responsible for the actual wording of complex documents which we merely type up, or whatever the boss was meant to do but did not. So shut up already, before we burn your files and important documents and start performing voodoo rituals.
Especially the clients of Drunk Fiesty & Associates. Because Evil Pidgeon, whom I would never refer to as my “Manbitch” (TM Caz) for fear of bodily harm, will get sick of me ranting, and ask me to get your addresses from our files and egg your house. Worse still, should the ranting continue he may be forced to get out his baseball bat and beat you to death. One day, I may give in to temptation and actually hand over your address. So don’t test me.
Shut up, Bitchfeatures and Panda.
P.S. A totally unrelated thing that really makes me insane – this, via the lovely and stalkable Adam. I don’t believe I can bring myself to rant about it, for fear of spontaneous combustion.



  1. Al Maviva

    Fabulous entry. As a practicing attorney, I can second your emotions.
    I hereby warn all my clients, do not abuse my staff. That is my job, and my job alone. Just as with your work, I will get around to abusing my staff when I am Goddamn good and ready to do so, and not a minute sooner. So do not bother calling my staff to abuse them, or sending emails or letters. The staff abuse you seem to want to get accomplished as soon as possible will get done in time – I never miss a deadline, and to do so would be malpractice, give rise to liability, hence I am always on time.
    Moreover, if you are trying to steal some of my work by abusing my staff for me, I shall take you to court for malicious and tortious interference with a contract, and will in addition bill you for the time it takes, and ask the court for treble damages. So leave my staff alone – I will abuse them wickedly myself in good time.
    And as for my staff members, aka my demi-demons and minor evil minions, I appreciate your abusing the clients for me, but once again, that is my job. The client abuse bills at a much higher rate if I do it myself, than if a staff member does it. Perhaps if there were some administrative costs involved that would pad the bill a bit, or if we could get a summer associate involved, staff abuse of clients would be feasible. Sadly, there are no costs involved; in the legal field, abuse is both free and abundant, and available from workers at any level, be they partners, of counsel, associate, summer associate, docket clerks, secretaries, administrators, benefits personnel, or the mailroom boy. Thus it does not enhance revenue to have staff abusing the clients; only partners and teams of associates should be involved in it. So get back to work right away, or I shall order up a second set of legirons and some ball gags and leather bondage hoods, to go along with the chain that ties you to your work station. And if you don’t snap to it, I’ll revive the practice of stapling your left and right index fingers to the “F” and “J” keys on your keyboard, respectively.
    Cordially, Your Servant,
    Al Maviva, Esq.

  2. David Crawford

    From The Simpsons, the best law-firm name ever:
    Dewey, Screwem, & Howe

  3. James

    David: There’s a genuine (Scottish) law firm, McLean, Murray and Spence – often distorted to Delay, Worry and Expense…

  4. Al Maviva

    Don’t forget the inestimable Lionel Hutz’s two fine firms, I Can’t Believe It’s a Law Firm, and when he went solo, Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law and Shoe Repair. As an attorney, Lionel Hutz, who attended Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, and the Louvre, is my hero.
    Lionel Hutz’ greatest hits:
    Homer: All you can eat–hah!
    Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, “The Never-Ending Story.”
    Homer: Do you think I have a case?
    Hutz: Now, Homer, I don’t use the term “hero” very often. But you are the greatest hero in American history.
    Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
    Judge Snyder [modeled on Robert Bork]: You mean a mistrial.
    Hutz: Right!! That’s why you’re the judge and I’m the law-talking guy.
    Judge: You mean the lawyer?
    Hutz: Right.
    Hutz: No don’t you worry Mrs. Simpson, I-Uh-oh. We’ve drawn Judge Snyder.
    Marge: Is that bad?
    Hutz: Well, he’s had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
    Marge: You did?
    Hutz: Well, replace the word “kinda” with the word “repeatedly,” and the word “dog” with “son.”
    Bart: Mr. Hutz, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer just like you.
    Hutz: Good for you son. If there is one thing America needs, it’s more lawyers.
    [Hutz chillingly imagines a world without lawyers–a scene of people of all nationalities (including Elvis) holding hands and dancing around a circle under a rainbow.]