Thumbnail Guide to RotK

Yes, I am still around and posting. I was going to do a fabulous “remember me” post just for this blog, but I spent too much time writing the one you’ll find below (crossposted at my site), so I’m sharing it with you instead.
Anyhoo, since Return of the King is a long movie and we’re all busy folk, I’ve created a Thumbnail Guide. Spoilers (of a sort) inside:


Gandalf, Theoden, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli go to Isengard. There they find Merry and Pippin.
Merry and Pippin – “Yo!”
Pippin – “What’s this shiny thing?”
Gandalf – “Saruman is defeated. Let’s go to Rohan!”
Pippin – “What’s that shiny thing?”
Sauron – “RAAAARRRRR!”
Pippin – “My head!”
Gandalf – “Oh great, now we have to go to Gondor.”
Meanwhile, somewhere near Minas Morgul…
Gollum – “Hee! I’m gonna trick them!”
Sam – “I heard that!”
Frodo – “Do I have to separate you two?”
Back in Gondor:
Gandalf – “Sauron is coming.”
Denethor – “Talk to the hand, grandpa.”
Pippin – “I’ll be your servant, Denethor!”
Denethor – “Whatever.”
Faramir – “Osgiliath is overrun.”
Denethor – “So go re-overrun it.”
Faramir – “But I’ll die.”
Denethor – “Whatever.”
Gandalf – “Pippin, go play with fire.”
Pippin – “Okay!” (lights signals)
Theoden – (sees signals) “Let’s go kick ass! In three days or so, you know, whenever.”
Meanwhile, back in Rivendell
Arwen – “I cry too beautifully to not be in this part of the film.”
Elrond – “Why are you back here?”
Arwen – “I see dead people.”
Elrond – “Wrong movie. And that was your future son. Guess I’ll have to reforge that damn sword and take it to Aragorn.”
Arwen – “I’ll just languish here tragically, then.”
Elrond – “Whatever.”
Meanwhile, on a cliff near Cirith Ungol
Gollum – “I’ll frame Sam!”
Sam – “I’ve been framed!”
Frodo – “I’m separating you two!”
Sam – (cries)
Frodo – (looks manic and tortured)
Meanwhile, back in Rohan
Elrond – “Here’s your damn sword. And by the way, Arwen is languishing tragically in Rivendell, so hurry up and kick the ass of evil, okay?”
Aragorn – “How?”
Elrond – “I see dead people.”
Aragorn – “Wrong movie.”
Elrond – “Just go talk to the Evil Dead and get an ass-kicking army that you will inexplicably let go before they get a chance to, oh, I don’t know, KILL ALL OF SAURON’S MINIONS, or anything useful like that.”
Aragorn – “Okay.”
Eowyn – “Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
Aragorn – “I’m not going to explain to you, because I am all mysterious and noble and stuff. By the way, I don’t love you. Bye!”
Eowyn – “Fine. I guess I’ll run away and join the Rohirrim, then.”
Meanwhile, Back in Gondor
Denethor – “My son is dead! My poor, dead son is dead!”
Pippin – “He’s still breathing.”
Denethor – “No he isn’t.”
Pippin – “Yes he is.”
Denethor – “Isn’t.”
Pippin – “Is.”
Gandalf – “Shut up and kill some Orcs, you losers!”
Denethor – “I’m feeling chilly. Build me a bonfire!”
Meanwhile, at Cirith Ungol
Gollum – “Hee! I tricked you!”
Frodo – (looks manic and tortured)
Shelob – “RAR!”
Frodo – EEK!
Sam – (halfway down stairs, stops crying, decides to stab something instead, like Gollum)
Shelob – (stabs Frodo)
Frodo – (looks manic, tortured and then unconscious)
Sam – “I need something to stab now that I’ve stopped crying!” (stabs Shelob)
Shelob – “RAR?” (runs away)
Sam – “Oh no, Mr. Frodo is dead!” (cries and hides)
Orcs – “He’s not dead, let’s take him away and torture him!”
Sam – (stops crying, starts thinking about stabbing orcs)
Meanwhile, near Rohan
Aragorn – “I see dead people!”
Legolas – “Me too!”
Gimli – “Me three!”
Dead King – “That reference is so five years ago.”
Aragorn – “Fight for me, and I promise I won’t actually keep you around to do any really heavy fighting, like against Sauron’s big-ass army that’s still in Mordor, or anything.”
Dead King – “You might be an idiot, but you do have a cool sword. Okay, let’s go kick the ass of evil.”
Meanwhile, back in Rohan
Eowyn – “I’m running away to join the Rohirrim! Wanna come?”
Merry – “Sure!”
Meanwhile, in Cirith Ungol
Frodo – (wakes up, looks manic and tortured)
Orcs and Uruk Hai – “Rarr! I’ll kill you!” (kill each other)
Sam – “I need something to stab now that I’m not crying!” (kills orcs)
Frodo – “Sam, they got the Ring!”
Sam – “Nah, here it is. Let’s go throw it in the volcano.”
Frodo – (looks manic and tortured)
Sam – (manages not to cry or stab Frodo)
Meanwhile, Back in Gondor
Pippin – “Gandalf! Denethor is setting himself on fire!”
Gandalf – “So?”
Pippin – “And Faramir, too!”
Gandalf – (whacks Denethor with staff) “Bad Steward! No cookie!”
Pippin – “I told you he wasn’t dead!”
Denethor – “Wah!” (throws self off of Minas Tirith)
Aragorn and Army of Dead – “Rarr!”
Witch King of Angmar – “Rarr!”
Theoden -“oof!”
Merry – “Rarr!”
Eowyn – “Rarr!”
Witch King of Angmar – “I’m mellllting! Mellllltiiiinnng!” (shrivels up and dies)
Aragorn – (to Army of Dead) “You saved the day. You can go now.”
Gimli – “What about the REST of Sauron’s army?”
Aragorn – “I figure we’ll just ride over to Mordor ourselves and get killed horribly.”
Everyone – “Okay!”
Meanwhile, over at Mt. Doom
Frodo – (looks manic and tortured, passes out)
Sam – “Oh great, now I have to carry his aristocratic ass up this sheer rock cliff. Why do I have to carry EVERYTHING in this stupid movie?” (picks up Frodo)
Gollum – “Surprise!”
Sam – “Ow!”
Frodo – (runs)
Sam – “I’m gonna stab somebody before this is over!”
Frodo – “Screw you guys, the ring is mine!” (looks extremely manic, disappears)
Gollum – (bites Frodo)
Sam – (can’t decide whether to cry or stab something)
Gollum – “I got the Precious! Neener, neener, oops!” (falls into lava)
Meanwhile, back at the Black Gate
Aragorn – “Whooee, that’s a lotta army in there! Maybe I shoulda kept those dead guys around.”
Everyone – “Ya THINK?”
Mt. Doom – Blammo!
Everyone – “Yay! I mean, oh no! Poor Frodo! But still, yay! Damn.”
Meanwhile, on Mt. Doom
Sam – (cries)
Frodo – “Hey! I’m the one who got his finger BITTEN OFF! Why are you crying?”
Sam – “You better hope I keep crying, ’cause when I stop I’m gonna want to stab something, and you’re the only living thing around here for miles.”
Frodo – “Except those giant eagles over there.”
Sam – “Great. Where were they 6 months ago? Bastards.”
Later –
Aragorn – “Well, we didn’t all die, so I’m gonna get married and be King!
Sam – “And I’m gonna get married and be Mayor of the Shire!”
Frodo – “And I’m gonna sail into the West with Gandalf, Bilbo and the elves!”
Sam – (sighs) “But first, I’m gonna have to cry some more and not stab anything.”
Merry and Pippin – “And we’re gonna smoke some pipeweed!
Everyone – “Yay!”
The End

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5 comments

  1. Dave J

    99% perfect, but don’t you that any LoTR parody is required to have Agent Smith, um, I mean, Elrond finish at least one of his lines with “…Mister Anderson”?

  2. M. Scott Eiland

    Don’t forget:
    Eowyn: No man am–
    Witch King: No kidding, really? Good grief, don’t any of these hairy idiots know a girl when they see one? Stop yakking and get to hacking–the midget isn’t a great climber, you know.
    Eowyn: Right.

  3. Sharps Shooter

    That’s quite enough, thank you.
    The End.
    Whatever…
    No, really. Finis.
    Whatever…
    We’re leaving, for the west…
    Whatever…
    MORE PIPEWEED!
    Whatever…