How do you know when you are in love?

You may have been going out with someone for a while and maybe even lived with them for a long time, but how do you know when you are truly in love with a person? What are the indicators of ever lasting love in a relationship?
Is it when your heart skips a beat whenever they walk into the room? Is it the excitement you feel when ever you are together? Is it the longing feeling you get whenever you are apart or the electricity in the air when you kiss?
Christ no.
The best sign that you are in love with someone is when you can rip off the stinkiest, rottenest, foulest, loudest fart possible while sitting on the lounge watching TV and NOT blame it on the dog.

Most of the time you would not even be thinking about it as you sit back having a beer watching the evening news with your partner. Then it happens, the sickly stench of love (hopefully with minimal splatter).
When you think about it this objectively it is far less risky than saying straight out “I love you”.
Let us examine two scenarios;
First imagine you and your partner are sitting on the lounge watching your favourite program (most likely All Saints or some other such girly show if she has the remote control). The ads come on and you turn to them and say that momentous phrase “I love you”.
Those three little words suddenly place immense amounts of pressure on the relationship and in particular on the person to whom they were said. That person now has to decide in the space of about 3 seconds what future you both hold together. If the “I love you” is returned then all is well and will most likely result in some pretty good sex not long after.
If the “I love you” is not returned, it’s pretty much all down hill from there with the next thought that comes into your head being “how long is the rental lease we signed again?”
Now imagine the same scenario with one critical difference.
If she screams out of the room dry retching, hands held tightly over her mouth muffling an expression something along the lines of “You dirty bastard!”, it was most likely not meant to be.
If on the other hand that same expression “you dirty bastard” is instead muffled by her shirt being held over her nose and a playful slap on your leg, you know it is true love.
So if you find yourself in a relationship that has endured the test of time a little better than your previous attempts and you are beginning to wonder, “Is this love that I’m feeling, is this the love that I’ve been searching for?” just ask yourself, “Is it time to let one rip?”



  1. Al Maviva

    You know, two of the three sickest bastards I know are named Matt Clarke… wonder why that is?
    I think you are right though.
    The other night after going out for Tex Mex and a bunch of beers, I wake up at 2:00 AM because my wife is laughing hard, and the bed is shaking violently.
    “What is it honey?”
    She goes, “you just ripped the loudest, longest, nastiest fart I ever heard, and it woke me up. At first I thought you were yelling or injured or something.”
    Ahhhh. Mrs. Maviva. She’s a patient, kind and loving woman. With a good sense of humor.
    Just don’t ask me about her belching. She’d put a Teamster to shame.