My Archipelago: Rules, Rants, and Random Snarkiness To Live By

My Archipelago: Rules, Rants, and Random Snarkiness To Live By
1. A hangover is your body’s way of telling you, “Quit trying to kill me, you knucklehead!” Of course, your body may just be a hypochondriac–react accordingly.
2. I was never tempted to smoke–even before I read the warnings on the packs, I remembered reading in the papers about people who died in fires of smoke inhalation, and concluded that voluntarily inhaling large quantities of smoke was Not A Good Thing. Funny how no one seemed to realize this before 1964.
3. For almost everyone, gambling is a recreation, not a profession. No one should gamble unless they have a reasonably good understanding of the game, and a large enough stake composed of money they can afford to lose to last for a substantial amount of time in spite of moderately bad luck. When in doubt, play for smaller amounts–the game will be just as fun, and you can always go to a more expensive table if you win a lot.
4. If you really don’t have any use for a tax cut, send the money to me–I’ll be glad to invest it constructively. If that doesn’t appeal to you, write the government a check–they’re pretty thrilled to see free money coming across their transom, and you just might inspire the rest of us to follow your example. . .don’t hold your breath, though.
5. The most remarkable legacy of the Lewinsky Scandal was the mass amnesia it provoked among Clinton supporters–who instantly forgot every other lie that Bill told as they cried, “But it was only one lie about sex!”
6. If Willie Sutton was alive today, he’d be a Democratic Congressman–and a moderate one. After all, Willie Sutton never accused anyone of being greedy and uncaring for not wanting their bank to be robbed.
7. Yes, there really is a difference between intentionally targeting civilians and targeting terrorists who choose to hide among civilians. Consider this: do you draw a moral distinction between a man who intentionally plows into a crowd of schoolchildren, and a police officer who is forced off the road while chasing a fleeing felon–only to find himself driving out of control into a group of schoolchildren?
8. If Barry Goldwater was alive today, he’d be spending most of his time listing people who need a good swift kick in the ass.
9. Calling me unsympathetic is *not* a good way to win my sympathy.
10. Regarding a certain pungent antiwar slogan–if it wasn’t for people f***ing, there wouldn’t be anyone around to be chaste. Bombing and peace can have a similar relationship.