New York Sun, July 5, 2073
Sasha Castel, Philanthropist And Pundit, Dead at 100
by Benjamin Kepple, Editor-In-Chief
NEW YORK–Friends, family and several thousand devoted fans gathered to mourn the loss of billionairess Alexandra (“Sasha”) Castel, who died yesterday at the age of 100.
Ms. Castel, who became famous in the early 21st century as the founder of the “La Blogatrice” website, was remembered by her illustrious acquaintances.
Pejman Yousefzadeh, former Attorney General in the Reynolds administration, reminisced that “Sasha was always kind and generous to me. She gave me my start in politics when she introduced me to (former Senate Majority Leader ) Colette Silvestri.”
Silvestri, who became famous as the first member of Congress to win a Pulitzer Prize for drama, remebered Castel as ” a complete freak with a heart of gold”.
Ms. Castel first gained worldwide infamy with her website, one of the first examples of a “Weblog” or “Blog”. Her witty and outrageous writings attracted the attention of Blog pioneer Andrew Sullivan. A meeting at New York’s SOB club proved fortuitous, when Sullivan took one look at Ms. Castel, renounced his well-known homosexuality and promised publicly to be “Sasha’s loyal bitch until the day I die”. That statement, unfortunately, proved to be prophetic when Sullivan was found dead of a heart attack in Ms. Castel’s Bronx apartment. Rumors that he was wearing a dog collar at the time of his discovery were never confirmed.
Ms. Castel again attracted attention with her plans for Castelpark, the world’s first combination performing arts center/ libertarian think-tank, to be built on the site of the former World Trade Center. Investors flocked to the project and construction began in early 2006. New York Mayor Megan McArdle was an important early supporter, taking political heat when she sent in the NYPD to arrest a group of anti-globalism protesters who had camped out on the site and threatened to block further construction..
Castelpark opened in 2007 with a gala concert featuring operatic luminaries Elizabeth “Lizard” Schultz, Melissa Marshall, Julien Uhlig, LauraKate Moore, Brad Cresswell, Amy Goldstein and Oziel Garza-Ornelas, hosted by Oscar-winning screenwriter Scott Ganz. Ms. Castel’s controversial insistence on hiring only her friends proved to be an effective artisitic direction, as Castelpark slowly eclipsed even the Metropolitan in glamour.
Ms Castel became a beloved figure in her native city, often cheered by random passers-by as she walked down Broadway to Fairway to stock up on peaches, Taleggio cheese and cannabis (the latter having been legalized in 2010).
In later years she visited countries around the world to speak to eager crowds. Israel’s Prime Minister Renata Malkes welcomed Ms. Castel in 2031, for the 20th aniversary of the death of Yasser Arafat ( a national holiday). Speaking from her vacation home in the newly restored spa-town of Ramallah, Prime Minister Malkes regretted the loss of a “true humanitarian, a woman who did so much for the cause of Israel’s survival”.
Ms. Castel is survived by her former husbands: film actor George Clooney, Columbia University provost Josh Chafetz, and Secretary of Education Dawson Jackson.
New York Sun, July 5, 2073